Back in the day, when women were from Venus and men from Mars, it was a bit of a joke that women wanted to talk about their issues but did not want them solved by the male listener. The male was supposedly genetically incapable of listening to understand and could not resist helping the little woman out with a solution…thank you very much. Well, I’m here to tell you that there are women from Mars, men from Jupiter and quite a few of both from Saturn…those from Pluto have been discarded altogether!
Here’s a little secret: Some people process their thoughts by talking out loud. Many of those people talk out loud in the vicinity of another person. Maybe they just don’t want anybody to think they talk to themselves or maybe they are looking for a little support. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “What if what they say is stupid? What if they’re going to make a huge mistake? Shouldn’t I warn them?” The plain answer is “no.”
What you can do is be genuinely in that moment with them. You may feel comfortable vocalizing a few “Uh-huh”s or “then what happened.” If so, please do so. As you gain some experience with supporting, you may try some emotional reflection or validation. You may say, “that must have made you feel terrible” or “that would have made me so mad” when appropriate. And when you begin to master support you may just sit next to someone who is crying, maybe say, “I’m here with you.” Just sit. Your presence is enough.
Allow the people in your life who process by speaking aloud to do it. For them, understanding the situation or feeling is key and can more easily happen when they speak their thoughts in a mostly one sided conversation. What you offer in your presence can be more valuable than the best advice ever given.
For Your Consideration,
Ellen Larabee, MA, LPCC
Komentarze